Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
