I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
