The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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