My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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