I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
