yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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