totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
