Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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