Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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