Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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