I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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