she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
