i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
