new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
