i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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