dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.