I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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