in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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