Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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