Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
