Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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