when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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