I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
