you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
