nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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