why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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