She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
