so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
