I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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