Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
