Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
