If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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