saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
