I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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