textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if only i could text you this smell
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
