Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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