So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
