New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
