I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
