Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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