I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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