I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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