if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
