You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.