she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
