Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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