I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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