Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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