I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
