I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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