When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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