now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
