A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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