tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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