Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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