I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
