Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
