you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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