i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its not stalking. its research.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
