Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
